Inner Work

I’ve been spending this past week trying to get my mind in the right frame of mind for my residency. I’ve been tying up projects, working on cleaning, meditating, preparing, etc. I’d just go with the flow, but I’d want to have some creative preparation for the week so if I have an idea for something in the future I am prepared.

These past couple of months have been really emotional for me. I’m waiting on edge in hopes of a prediction to come through, but for whatever reason it keeps being delayed and whenever this happens my anxiety is through the roof and I’m just on edge and uncomfortable until it passes; I’ve been feeling this way since the end of July and my predictions keep saying it’ll come through… Advice has been to just let it go, but I’m afraid if I let it go, I’ll end up being disappointed! And I have a fear of disappointment, so trying to let it go and to be allowed to be disappointed is what I’m afraid of. But I keep being reminded that maybe, if I do let it go, for once I may not be disappointed!

The waiting is just bringing up old wounds and dealing with old wounds is never pretty. And the person I am waiting on knows very well what has happened to me in the past that has hurt me and keeping me hanging and waiting, is a sure damn way to continue to hurt me. It shows to me that I’m not a priority, that maybe you really don’t care about me in the way I thought you did, and just by keeping me hanging it shows that maybe you don’t have respect for me and that maybe you’re not the person I thought you were… I realize all of this is extreme, and I realize that people are busy and have other important things in mind… but still it is what goes through my head when someone just leaves me hanging and it just creates an emotional roller coaster for me. It’s one of those things where I know without a doubt that the prediction will come through but my fear of failure and disappointment is what is keeping me from believing that this is true! It’s such an uncomfortable contradiction!

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